beingwellwithbianca – Page 2 – Being Well with Bianca

“Holding space” for another is a phrase that has become quite meaningful in the mental health community. Although “holding space” for someone is one of the most beautiful gifts you can give someone, it can be tough to do. My friends at Tiny Buddha explain the concept very well:

This sounds easy. So why is this sometimes so hard to do?

I believe that when people come to you to give support when you are hurt, grieving, sad, or feeling lonely, they arrive with genuine compassion and truly want to be helpful and supportive. I am constantly in awe of the ability of people we know (and sometimes strangers too) to drop everything and rush to our aid when we need help.

Even when someone has good intentions, why do we sometimes feel worse when someone tries to “make us feel better”? Because “making someone feel better” is the complete opposite of holding space. Holding space simply means to just be present with whatever feelings exist, without judgment and advice. As emotional guardian angels, our job is to not judge, minimize, argue, criticize, or try to “fix” what is happening.

Sometimes we try to “fix” the other person’s pain because we don’t want our friend or loved one to hurt anymore. It hurts us to see them in pain so we try to make it go away. Sometimes their grief or loss triggers our own anxieties about terrible things happening to us or even our children. We want our friend’s pain to go away as quick as possible so we no longer have to think about own feelings of security or mortality - which is really scary.

If you are wondering how to provide compassionate support to someone in need, my favorite picture on this topic says it best:

Remember: “You can’t fix what happened, but you can sit with someone, side by side, so they don’t feel quite so alone. That requires only intention, a willingness to feel awkward, and an open, listening heart. It’s the one gift that can make a difference." ~ Linda Carroll

Be well, my friends.

Bianca

Managing your own mental health at work is a mixed bag. In the best of situations, you would have a boss and colleagues who understand how important good mental health is and how it is normal to struggle from time to time with intense feelings or mental illness. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. Sometimes employees become labeled as a “problem employee” if they show emotion at work or need to take time off to attend to mental health. I have a friend who set off an HR crisis when he requested PTO for a “mental health day”. His HR representative believed that only physical illness is an acceptable reason to take a day off. After months of meetings and emails, he won. (A word to my HR friends, unmanaged mental health and illness can lead to physical illness. Maybe allowing a mental health day off would prevent absences for physical illness. Think about it.)

Eric Ravenscraft, writing for the New York Times, recently wrote a wonderful piece on the challenges of managing mental illness at work. He is open about his struggles with living with his own mental health challengs. The author also details the legal protections that exist to protect people with mental illness and strategies to help minimize the risk of discrimination due to mental health issues in the workplace. You can read the full article here: https://nyti.ms/2L9QIio

I am continuing this conversation by providing you with some additional information about how to be prepared for a mental health situation or crisis at work.

BE ALERT: Every person, whether or not they have a diagnosed mental illness, has what I call “activators” - those situations, people, and memories that can activate uncomfortable or intense emotional reactions. These reactions are different for everyone - feelings of sadness or anger, anxiety, depression, panic attacks, etc. In response to these activators, a person’s nervous system is the first place the trigger is detected. The nervous system response is the warning sign that it is time to engage coping strategies or calming techniques. It is important to respond to the nervous system alarm because once the brain starts processing the crisis, logical and rational responses are difficult to maintain. How do you know when your nervous system is being activated? It is different for everyone. Some people get a tingling feeling in their arms or legs. Some people get an upset stomach. Maybe you feel tight in your throat or a warm sensation throughout your body. If you start to notice these physical reactions, you will get better over time at detecting them quicker.

PLAN AHEAD: Your employer most likely has an established “disaster plan” for how the organization will respond if a disaster occurs. I have my own personal “disaster plan” for when I am feeling activated at work or in a social situation. I often recommend to clients that they create one for themselves. Knowing ahead of time of how you will respond when activated at work can sometimes provide some personal reassurance and help you get through the day. What works for you? Deep breathing techniques, a walk around the block, aromatherapy, calling a friend, a few minutes of alone time somewhere private, listening to music - if it works for you, then do it!

Here are some additional suggestions about how to manage mental health at work:

- Know your employer’s leave time policies. Does your employer offer separate vacation and sick leave banks? Can PTO be used for any reason? Is your employer required to follow FMLA laws?

- If you are a new employee, be mindful of any required probationary period and do the best you can to keep a low profile about your mental health issues IF you think your employer may not be all that supportive with your needs.

- Know your mental health triggers. Are there certain situations or people that can potentially activate some uncomfortable feelings or trigger an emotional spiral? Being aware of these activators can help you plan ahead for how to manage the situation ahead of time.

- Know your nervous system. Pay attention to your own body’s warning signs that something doesn’t feel quite right or that an activator is present so you can deploy your coping strategies.

- Be kind to yourself. You are not alone. Everyone, and I mean everyone, struggles with mental health issues from time to time (even those who are “faking it” and look “fine” all of the time.)

Be well, my friends.

Bianca