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How is your relationship with “hope”?

Having a strong personal relationship with hope is a critical piece of personal wellbeing and happiness. Hope helps us look forward to the future. It plays an important part in setting goals and being able to envision them. Hope can help us push through adversity. Sometimes, when things are really, really bad, hope is all we have. 

Hope is a tricky thing for so many people. We are all born with a basic personality type. Some people are born with a type where it is easier to feel optimism. For others, being exceedingly cautious is an innate feeling. Then comes life experiences. The challenges of life which come to all of us can make us feel like hope is impossible. When we feel like we have lost control of our life, having control over our level of hope for the future feels impossible too.

How do we reinvent our relationship with hope? It starts with the three A’s: Anger, Adapt, and Acceptance. 

Anger: When it comes to resolving painful feelings, “the only way out is through.” We have to feel the anger about what has happened to us. We have to feel the injustice, the unfairness, and the disappointment. The anger needs to come out, in healthy ways, or it gets turned inward which often evolves into depression. When you are ready, use this anger to find meaning and purpose in the suffering

Adapt: To find hope again, we often need to change directions. Perhaps it is time to redefine your goals. Maybe it is time to “lower the bar” in terms of your own definition of “success.” This does not mean giving up. It means living your life with intention – what is in your life that does not serve you any longer, what brings your peace? Surround yourself with people who genuinely want to support you, not control or change you. Think about times in your life when hope served you well.

Acceptance: Disappointment can dissipate when we accept who we are and what has happened. This does not mean we have to like what happened. Acceptance means that we are able to sit with unwanted experiences without pain or judgment. We incorporate these experiences into our life journey and find a way to make them work for us and not against us.

If finding hope feels unbearable for now, let others hold that space for you. Those who are not as close to the problem as you are can often see hope for the future when you cannot. And that is okay. The only constant in life is change.  As much as good things can go away, so can the bad things. To quote the last line of one of my favorite poems, “The way things work is that eventually something catches.” (The Way Things Work, By Jorie Graham)

The bad things that happen to us do not have to define us. They can redefine us as we learn about how these experiences fit into our story. We can take the life lessons and carry them with us so we are wiser and find ways to feel hope again. And, maybe someday, you will have some hope leftover to offer someone else.

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Creating a Trauma-Informed Work Environment

Most people know someone who has experienced trauma or profound grief and loss. Trauma is much more common than people think.  Although trauma is traditionally associated with military personnel, trauma incidents can occur throughout everyday life. 70% of U.S. adults have experienced at least one traumatic event with at least 20% of these adults with a post-traumatic stress diagnosis. In addition, at least 60% of people experienced at least one adverse childhood experience. Considering that these statistics are acquired from participants who are relied upon to self-report, the percentages could be quite higher. Unfortunately, PTSD is one of the most common anxiety-related disorders and yet one of the most untreated.

Adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) are potentially traumatic events that can have negative, lasting effects on health and well-being. These experiences range from physical, emotional, or sexual abuse to parental divorce or the incarceration of a parent or guardian. ACEs are an important part of possible future adult trauma because children who experience ACEs become susceptible to a heightened trauma response when stressful events occur later. When traumatized children reach adulthood, they can often experience significant difficulties with much of their emotional energy being needed to manage traumatic symptoms of anxiety, depression, flashbacks, sleep disturbance, and/or intrusive thoughts. Efforts to manage these symptoms can sometimes lead to alcohol or drug dependence, eating disorders or other self-destructive behaviors, or to behaviors that are harmful to others. Not all adults with ACEs will have these challenges but many do.

All work environments have the potential to create stressful situations for others that can trigger intensive feelings associated with trauma and/or profound grief or loss. When these triggers occur and the trauma spiral is present, things can almost immediately feel out of control, scary and intense for everyone. When it is a co-worker or colleague, these types of difficult experiences can affect a person’s physical health, mental health, and ability to be productive at work. For customers or clients, the presence of intense emotions can disrupt business, inadvertently cause distress in others, and lead to feelings of threatened safety.

It is important to know a bit about how trauma works. Trauma resides in the nervous system. People often believe that if they do not think about past traumatic events anymore that these events will not adversely affect them later. Unfortunately, no one can “think” their way out of trauma. Even when we are not consciously thinking about our past or present distressing situations, our nervous system is constantly on alert for the slightest sign of something that does not feel safe, something that reminds us of what happened before. The nervous system stays quietly on guard, waiting to respond with freeze, fight or flight when a threat is detected (no matter how small or big the perceived threat is). Once the nervous system lights up, the trauma spiral can begin. (If you would like to read more about how trauma lives in the body and how to use this to heal from trauma, two of the very best books on the subject are “In an Unspoken Voice”, By: Peter Levine and “The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma”, By: Bessel van der Kolk.)

All workplaces should be trauma-informed.  Trauma-informed care is an approach used to engage with people with histories of trauma. It recognizes the presence of trauma symptoms and acknowledges the role that trauma can play in people’s lives. Trauma-informed responses can help to avoid re-traumatizing individuals and increase feelings of safety for all.

Key points to creating a trauma-informed workplace include:

  •  Believing that being trauma-informed is now the expectation, not the exception.
  • Asking, “What happened to you?”, instead of, “What’s wrong with you?”
  • Viewing the process of “holding people accountable” with compassion.
  • Using a compassionate lens when engaging with anyone.
  • Learning how to de-escalate stressful situations.
  • Treating people with dignity and respect – people remember most how they were treated.

In short, if you are not sure how to get started with creating a trauma-informed work environment, just be kind – you simply do not know what life experiences people carry with them.

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JUST DO IT? I DON’T THINK SO.

Wouldn’t it be nice if solving personal challenges and issues were as simple as just deciding to do so? That simply making a change in ourselves because someone told us we should? That a positive affirmation written on a post-it note attached to a bathroom mirror was all we needed to create permanent change? If all of this were true, there would be no need for therapists, life coaches, mental health medications, and self-help books. Life is messy and wonderful all at the same time. This duality makes permanent and meaningful personal growth in need of more than just a positive mantra.

Why does the root cause matter?

In my therapy practice, one of the assessment techniques I use is to look for the root cause of what is causing the issue or dysfunction. For example, couples will often seek therapy saying they need to learn to communicate better or fight less. These are both important goals for a healthy relationship and there are ways to help couples learn how to use empathic communication and conflict management skills to improve their relationship. Challenges with communication and conflict in a relationship, however, are also often symptoms of deeper issues. The question becomes, “What is the root cause of the symptoms that are triggering distress, sadness, anxiety, depression, loneliness, etc.?” The same thing applies to individuals. Learning how to address issues which are adversely affecting our personal journey and quality of life is good. Processing the feelings and triggers underneath these issues provides a more long-term solution.

Dealing with the symptoms and not the root cause is like putting on an emotional band-aid.  It might do the job for a while but underneath there is still a scar.  And, sometimes, scar tissue hurts again without warning.

Identifying the root cause applies everywhere.

Finding the root cause applies to other situations as well.

  • In the workplace, leaders and supervisors who address issues with employees without looking for the root cause haven’t really solved anything. For example, an employee who displays behavior which is out of character is sometimes experiencing some kind of unsettling change in his/her life. You could just order that employee to act better. Or, you could find out if there is something else going on to explain the behavior. Emotionally-Intelligent leadership has huge payoffs.
  • In families, family members often make assumptions about the reactions and behavior of others. Sometimes this generates rumors, alliances designed to exclude some family members, unwarranted criticism and even betrayals. What if family members approached each without judgment and with an open-mind to the other person’s experience? We would have a society filled with emotionally connected families.
  • In relationships, finding the root cause is critical to creating empathic attunement and deep vulnerable connections (critical components of long-lasting healthy and functional intimate relationships). If we address the “why”, we are more likely to find permanent behavior change.
  • With friends and strangers, considering the root cause can minimize frustration and hurt. Looking at situations with a compassionate-lens can help us with our perception of how we are being treated. The driver that just cut you off, isn’t necessarily trying to hurt you. Maybe the driver just received some bad news and needs to get home. Your neighbor who you think just glared at you? Maybe they are feeling overwhelmed by life and trying to generate a smile is simply too hard right now. 

Everyone has a root cause. Courage and compassion can help us see it.

Be well, my friends,

Bianca

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BULLYING – Not Just for Kids Anymore

Everyone knows a bully.

It could be a co-worker or boss, a family member, a neighbor, a stranger. When it comes to adults, however, we don’t call it “bullying.” Instead, the toxic behavior is often ignored, rationalized, suppressed, or tolerated.

Bullying by adults in the workplace is often justified and rationalized. “He/she is just having a bad day.” “He/she is under a lot of pressure.” If a workplace bully is in a position of authority, the destructive behavior is usually tolerated because no one can call them out on it for fear of retribution.

Bullying by adults in families often goes unrecognized as bullying because the behavior is so ingrained in the family system that it is normalized. Whether created by parenting choices, birth order, or inter-generational dysfunction (to name just a few causes), the family member bully uses weaknesses in the family power dynamic for his/her own gain and to stay in charge.

An excellent recent article in the Wall Street Journal discusses the typical personality traits of an adult bully. The author describes these personality traits as:

1) “Machiavellianism, which is a tendency to calculatedly manipulate others for your own good.”
2) “Psychopathy, an attribute that includes a lack of empathy and a willingness to take risks.”
3) “Sadism, the propensity to derive pleasure from inflicting pain on someone else.”
4) “Narcissism, an obsession with self and feeling that you are better than other people.”

Many times all four traits exist but, in my clinical and personal experience, an adult can be a bully with just a couple of them. Narcissism is one many of us already have a lot of experience with in people we know. As the author of the article so eloquently explains, “They [narcissists] exploit others, doing whatever it takes to feel special. They feel entitled, acting as if the world owes them and should bend to their will. And they lack empathy, often becoming so fixated on the need to feel special that they stop caring about the feelings of others.”

The end result? “These people don’t want to be told what to do. When someone tries, they lash out. ‘They’re trying to shore up their sense of importance,’ Dr. Malkin says. ‘Bullies are motivated by fear—fear of feeling insecure, fear of being unconfident, fear of being exposed.’ The more stressed or threatened they feel, the more they bully.”

The author of the article also does an excellent job of discussing how to respond to a bully. In short, don’t respond. Responding to a bully is like handing them fuel for their fire. In the clinical world, we focus on creating strong boundaries to help others learn how to protect themselves from the bully. I encourage you to read the article for more suggestions of how to handle an adult bully (including what to do if you do not feel safe). I can also be a resource for you and welcome the opportunity to dialogue on this important topic.

To read the full article:
https://www.wsj.com/articles/why-it-seems-like-bullies-are-everywhereand-how-to-stop-them-11594743348?shareToken=stf77f3aabc5934f1e8d404b40a1e0a5bd&mod=pctgua

Be well, my friends,

Bianca

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What Does PTSD “Feel” Like?

In my work as a workplace mental health consultant and counselor, one of my focus areas is PTSD and trauma. Part of what I do is help people understand what the after-effects of trauma look and feel like and how to compassionately and meaningfully engage with people who must spend a considerable part of their lives managing their PTSD triggers and feelings. I train individuals and work groups on how to recognize the signs of trauma being activated, how to understand what is happening when the survivor is triggered, and how to respond compassionately and empathically with appropriate boundaries.

PTSD does not discriminate. It touches the lives of people from every country, race, age and socio-economic group.  It hijacks a trauma survivor’s brain by altering the way the person feels about the world and their place in it. Nowhere feels safe. They are often still “there”, not “here”. Interpersonal relationships become challenging. Survivors are caught in a paradox. They feel safest in isolation but meaningful connections with others are still wanted and are necessary for healing, safety and peace.

The diagnostic criteria and signs and symptoms of PTSD are well documented. A question that is not often explored is, “What does PTSD ‘feel’ like?” What is like when past trauma is triggered, executive functioning is temporarily altered, and fight/flight/freeze takes over? Although the answers may differ slightly from person to person (as each person with the same diagnosis can respond differently), only someone with PTSD can answer these questions.  So, I will give my answer.

Recently, I had the opportunity to visit the beautiful and serene Santa Catalina mountains north of Tucson, Arizona. A family member had parked a camper there for time of respite and invited me to come stay. If you don’t think the desert is a magical place, then you have not visited the desert mountain areas of Arizona. In the morning, I woke up early to watch the sunrise over the mountains. As the sun started to light up the desert floor and warm the earth, numerous ground squirrels started to emerge from small holes in the ground. They slowly and cautiously looked up and around with the hopes of enjoying the day. Their furtive movements made it clear, however, that enjoyment and relaxation was not to be. They had one goal that consumed their behavior - watch for danger and take cover. Staying underground is and feels the safest to the ground squirrel. They want to be a part of the world outside but they can only do so with strict coping strategies - enter cautiously, stay vigilant, have exit strategies. They enjoy their time in the sun but with limitations. As I watched the ground squirrels in action, I thought, “This must be what living with PTSD feels like to some people.”  It is for me.

Surviving with PTSD is NOT a life sentence of misery. There are many beneficial and effective ways to learn how to manage the after-effects of trauma. Please, reach out. There are so many caring people ready to support trauma survivors - psychotherapists, clergy, peer support, friends, and family members. Talking is key. Talk to anyone who “gets it” and can respond with limitless support and compassion. Someone who will join you exactly where you are and who will admire you for all you have been through and honor the amazing person you are.

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LEARN TO “LET GO” TO LIVE LONGER

Recently, I started re-watching some of my favorite shows. I enjoy new shows too but re-watching an “old favorite” is like having a visit with a long-time best friend. As I started re-watching some of my favorites, I realized that the shows mean different things to me now that I am older and have continued to gather life experiences. The jokes land differently, the characters become more (and less) unlikeable, and I catch subtle comments or themes that were not relevant to me the first time I watched the shows. The shows haven’t changed – I have, and for the better, I hope.

In a recently re-watched episode of “Better Things”, the main character (a heroine of mine) visits her doctor for neck pain and insomnia. When the doctor mentions the impact of stress on her conditions she lists off all of the things in her life that are causing her stress. The doctor’s response was, “You gotta let that s#!* go!” and then proceeded to explain how the stress will slowly kill her. As a person who is past her mid-life (if you use average life expectancy data as the measure), I finally found a compelling reason to start letting some things/people/habits go.  Living longer is definitely on my bucket list.

Letting go of things, people and habits is extremely hard – I get it. Letting go means having to face your own reality and be ready to change your own “truth”. Letting go means having to face uncomfortable and painful experiences and choices. Letting go sometimes means having to face the possibility some of the people in your life are simply not good for you. This can lead to feelings of abandonment and grief. This possible side effect alone sometimes feels like good enough reason to hang onto toxic relationships, items that create clutter, or destructive habits. For me, having to finally face and sit with uncomfortable feelings if I were to let some things go was definitely a reason to keep some destructive things/people/habits around.  But now – the idea that I could actually live longer if I release unnecessary things or hurtful people from my life – now that is a compelling reason I can embrace!

The adverse effects of stress on the human body are well-documented so I won’t list them here. 5 minutes on an internet search on this topic will tell you more than you would like to know. If you do want to read a good book on how stress and repressed emotion cause numerous serious physiological problems, I recommend: “When the Body Says No: Exploring the Stress-Disease Connection” By, Gabor Mate, M.D.

I am using available mental time to reflect on my own situation. What needs to go?  What is enhancing my life and what is holding me back? What is it for you?

  • A family heirloom that you don’t like but you keep because a relative gave it to you?
  • Boxes of “stuff” in the garage that no longer hold a place in your heart?
  • People, even family members, who don’t appreciate you or mostly only communicate with passive-aggressive, controlling, or hurtful comments?
  • Items on your “bucket list” that no longer feel relevant or meaningful?
  • Coping strategies that were useful at one time but now seem like they are betraying you?
  • Habits that keep us from living our best lives?

Meaningful change is a journey and is best accomplished in small steps. Try to let go of just one thing. See how it goes.

Be well, my friends,

Bianca

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“What good is talking about it? It won’t change anything.”

“What good is talking about it? It won’t change anything.”  Most therapists have heard this lamentation more times than they can count.  Which is good, because this is an important step in emotional healing. In my counseling practice, or even when supporting friends through a crisis, hearing this phrase is a sign that the healing process is trying to peek through the storm.

There is good news and not-so-good news. First, the not-so-good news. Most of the time, relief from grief, trauma, sadness, etc. comes from going through the storm. This means feeling and expressing these intense feelings in a safe place with a trusted therapist, friend, or family member. Someone who is ready and able to “hold space” with you and hear your truth.  Suppressing these life-changing experiences and feelings often intensifies them. They continue to boil until they erupt – sometimes with devastating consequences.

Now the good news. On the other side of the storm is relief. When we tell our difficult stories and verbally express our most vulnerable and painful feelings, we release some of the intensity. We put these stories out into the universe and let the universe absorb some of the pain. Each time we tell our painful stories, a little bit of the grief or sadness comes out. And every little bit helps. Through the healing process, we can make space in our heart for feelings of relief and peace. The memories of these life experiences often do not go away and continuing to feel some level of emotional pain is normal. The goal is to tell these stories often enough so they have less power over us.  The experiences start to work for us instead of against us.

The wonderful people at “Tiny Buddha” posted an article on the importance of expressing and sitting with uncomfortable and painful feelings. This part, in particular, spoke to me: 

Then there are those darkest moments of sorrow, the moments when grief shakes even our sturdiest foundations. When we lose a loved one. When illness consumes us. When we experience a tragedy so emotionally excruciating that it redefines our very understanding of pain.

In these moments, when we can’t find a single silver lining for miles, we can summon the courage to sit with our sorrow. We can find solace in the truth that there is simply nothing else to do.

Experiencing our grief—if only for moments at a time—is work. This is the work of living on this Earth, of being human, and of surviving the universal rites of passage that mark our lives as we age.

Here is a link to read the entire article: https://tinybuddha.com/blog/feel-it-to-heal-it-the-only-way-out-is-through/

Be well, my friends,

Bianca

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WHY IS RELATIONSHIP REPAIR SO HARD?

On a recent episode of the NBC series “This is Us”, one of the characters laments about how difficult it is to fix mistakes. He says, “‘I’m sorry’ is like a magic word when you’re a kid. Doesn’t matter what you did. Say you’re sorry and it all goes away. Then you grow up, and it just doesn’t work anymore, does it?”

As I reflected on what I heard, I was disappointed to realize that he might be right.  Kids on a playground knock each other down or say unkind things. They often apologize and go back to playing.  As adults, we struggle to heal emotional wounds, forgive, repair and move forward. It seems easier or feels better to stay angry, hold a grudge, or just remove someone from our life.  A relationship (of any type) can feel expendable when faced with the hard and painful work of relationship repair. 

Although we know that everyone makes mistakes, when we are the ones who get hurt, it is easy to forget that we have also been the offender at some point.  As I used to say when my kids were much younger and having their own “playground disputes”, “Today’s victim is tomorrow’s defendant.”

Life is messy.  Humans hurt each other.  Sometimes, humans do really awful things to each other. Sometimes it takes a long time to heal. Even so, remorse and apologies are just as important as repair and forgiveness. Many years ago, I heard a minister give a sermon on forgiveness and he said this, “Not forgiving someone is like walking around with an invisible noose around your neck. Forgiveness is the gift you give yourself.”  

Relationship repair - whether it is an intimate relationship, a family relationship, a work relationship - is possible. It takes honesty, grace and patience.

  • Focus on how each person is feeling about the situation. Stay away from seeking “the truth”.  Truth doesn’t matter if each person has a didn’t version of the story. How each person is feeling about what happened is the common ground.                  
  • Give it time.  It is unrealistic to expect the person who is feeling hurt to forgive immediately. Especially in relationships where there have been repeated trust violations, forgiveness is a process.  Authentic remorse and repair takes 3 steps:

1) Take responsibility for your words/conduct;

2) Give a genuine and meaningful apology; and 

3) Change your behavior in the future. An apology is  meaningless if it is not followed by a change in behavior.  Give it time.  With consistent behavior change, trust can be renewed.

  • Contemplate your own triggers and emotional issues. Can’t get past your anger and resentment (regardless of the role you are playing in the conflict)? Look inward. What past memories are coming up? What unresolved emotional wounds are being stirred up? What feels familiar about what is going on? Be kind to yourself. This is a journey.                                                          
  • Saying, “I’m sorry” is not a free pass. It does not necessarily erase what happened and it isn’t a “quick fix.” Being truly sorry means realizing that you hurt someone.  Even if you didn’t intend to do so, someone got hurt. Listen to their pain. Join them with what they are experiencing.                                           
  • Even with apologies, repair and forgiveness, the relationship might still end. Better to part with the conflict resolved then to carry the anger and resentment to the next relationship.

I would love to hear from you by sending me a message on my FB page: https://www.facebook.com/Being-Well-with-Bianca-119450529452235/

Be well, my friends.

  Bianca

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BOOKS ABOUT THE HUMAN EXPERIENCE

I am often asked for book recommendations from people who are seeking psychological and emotional healing or who want to deepen their understanding of the human experience.  Below is a list of some of my favorites. Since new and interesting books are being released all the time, I may give you an updated list later. I would love it if you would send me a message on my FB page about books you recommend: https://www.facebook.com/Being-Well-with-Bianca-119450529452235/

Be well, my friends.

  Bianca

It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand     By: Megan Devine

The author draws from her own experience with profound loss and grief to give readers permission to grieve in whatever way and form they need.  She writes about how “getting over” a loss is an unrealistic expectation. She confronts how the way we handle grief in our culture is “broken” and reminds readers that “it’s ok that you’re not ok.”

 

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma     By: Bessel van der Kolk, M.D.

In my opinion, this is the absolute best book for understanding trauma and how traumatic experiences invade our bodies and take root while our brains are simultaneously trying to leave the trauma behind. The author artfully explains how a past traumatic experience will surface suddenly, even though we thought we were done with it. His advice on healing trauma is authentic and meaningful.

 

Man’s Search for Meaning     By: Viktor E. Frankl

The author writes about his time in Auschwitz and and what it taught him about how to survive horrific suffering. We cannot control what happens to us, but we can control how we respond by finding meaning and purpose in what is happening. We cannot avoid suffering but we can find spiritual meaning in it and move forward with renewed purpose.

 

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love    By: Sue Johnson

In one of the best books about relationships, the author presents her scientifically proven couples therapy model, Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy.  This model is rooted in attachment theory and uses principles about attachment bonds to restore emotional safety and connection in intimate relationships.

 

How Good Do We Have to Be?: A New Understanding of Guilt and Forgiveness     By: Harold Kushner

Rabbi Kushner explores the shame, guilt and anger and other complex feelings that often surface when we make mistakes or when others have hurt us. He lovingly and authentically helps the reader understand the importance of how acceptance and forgiveness can transform even the most challenging relationships into a place where healing and meaningful connections can grow.

 

When Breath Becomes Air    By: Paul Kalanithi, M.D.

When the author, a young neurosurgeon, is diagnosed with what becomes terminal lung cancer, he is forced to face his mortality and how to find the meaning of life when preparing for dying. He invites the reader into his most vulnerable feelings and experiences as he prepares to let go of the career he worked hard to achieve and the child he will never see grow up.

 

Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End     By: Atul Gawande, M.D.

The author courageously confronts the way the medical profession and our society handles “end of life” care. He explores the history of the creation of nursing homes, how the elderly are often treated as they approach the end of life, and how we can all use this inevitable life transition to help each other have a meaningful life all the way to the end.

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“HOLDING SPACE FOR SOMEONE” What does that mean?

“Holding space” for another is a phrase that has become quite meaningful in the mental health community. Although “holding space” for someone is one of the most beautiful gifts you can give someone, it can be tough to do.  My friends at Tiny Buddha explain the concept very well:

This sounds easy.  So why is this sometimes so hard to do?

I believe that when people come to you to give support when you are hurt, grieving, sad, or feeling lonely, they arrive with genuine compassion and truly want to be helpful and supportive. I am constantly in awe of the ability of people we know (and sometimes strangers too) to drop everything and rush to our aid when we need help.

Even when someone has good intentions, why do we sometimes feel worse when someone tries to “make us feel better”? Because “making someone feel better” is the complete opposite of holding space. Holding space simply means to just be present with whatever feelings exist, without judgment and advice. As emotional guardian angels, our job is to not judge, minimize, argue, criticize, or try to “fix” what is happening.

Sometimes we try to “fix” the other person’s pain because we don’t want our friend or loved one to hurt anymore.  It hurts us to see them in pain so we try to make it go away. Sometimes their grief or loss triggers our own anxieties about terrible things happening to us or even our children. We want our friend’s pain to go away as quick as possible so we no longer have to think about own feelings of security or mortality - which is really scary.

If you are wondering how to provide compassionate support to someone in need, my favorite picture on this topic says it best:

Remember: “You can’t fix what happened, but you can sit with someone, side by side, so they don’t feel quite so alone. That requires only intention, a willingness to feel awkward, and an open, listening heart. It’s the one gift that can make a difference." ~ Linda Carroll

Be well, my friends.

Bianca