How do you keep hanging on when you no longer know how? You’re exhausted – not just physically but emotionally, mentally, down to your core. When you were younger you could never imagine you could be this tired. You are sleeping as much as you can, consuming caffeine, doing “self-care” (a phrase you are so tired of hearing). Even so, the exhaustion hangs on you making each step you take feel impossible.
You feel trapped in your own story. You’ve tried to get out . . . tried to change the direction of your path. Nothing anyone says helps. In fact, these so-called encouraging words make you feel worse. You also tell yourself things that are supposed to help. Platitudes designed to trick your brain into thinking you can pull yourself out of the abyss with mere words.
You’ve tried, really tried. You do breathing exercises . . . meditate . . . exercise . . . try to get out more . . . look for a new job . . . try to meet someone who could be somebody to you . . . eat healthier . . . None of it works. You get even more messages. You aren’t trying hard enough. You are trying too hard. It’s all in your head. You just need to think positive. With each effort and message you hear, the narrative is the same. You have failed. You are to blame for the trap you are in. This is all somehow your fault.
So, what do you do? How do you move forward when having any amount of hope is just too painful. You are afraid to have hope. Unmet hope leads to disappointment, which leads to despair. So now what. You want to keep trying but you are just so very, very tired. You just don’t want to fail again.
Stop. Just for now. Stop the self-blame and judgment. Stop all of the action and simply feel. Let yourself feel the sadness, the disappointment, the anger. Find someone safe to with whom feel your feelings – a trusted friend or family member, a therapist, a spiritual leader, a pet. Now is the time to grieve, to mourn. Mourn all of the things you deserved or needed and didn’t get – unconditional love and support from family members . . . people to show up for you . . . a boss who has your back . . . a caring and committed partner . . . a job that energizes you . . . good health . . . peace. You can and need to be angry about all of it. There is no grief without anger. And there is no acceptance without grief. The only way out is through. Acceptance doesn’t mean you have to be happy about not getting your needs met or not getting what you deserve. Acceptance means you can find comfort in the present and may start to see a way to the future. This is the path to peace.
LOST – By DAVID WAGONER
Stand Still…
stand still the trees ahead and bushes beside you are not lost
Wherever you are is called here and you must
treat it as a powerful stranger…
Must ask permission to know it and be known
Listen…the forest breathes…
it whispers I have made this place around you…
if you leave it you may come back again
Saying Here…here
No two trees are the same to raven…
no two bushes the same to wren
If what a tree or branch does is lost on you ,
then you are surely lost
Stand still…the forest knows where you are
You must let it find you.