As a couples therapist, I spend much of my mental energy thinking about what makes some relationships last while others dissolve. If I consider the various situations presented by my clients, my ongoing research on the topic, and even my own marriage that didn’t last, I think I have come up with a fairly reliable list of criteria and factors that tend to lead to healthy relationships. If you want to know what they are, I am always happy to share them. Here, I write about one of them – a “Marriage First Mindset”. For this writing, the word “marriage” will represent any type of committed intimate relationship.
I will start with what a “marriage first mindset” is not. It is not a relationship where the couple is so enmeshed that each partner doesn’t have their own individual identity and interests. It is not a relationship where two people cannot be apart without extreme anxiety or baseless fears of cheating. It is not a relationship where one partner feels like they need to control the other one. All of these are examples of unhealthy or dysfunctional relationships.
A “marriage first mindset” is a level of commitment to each other that is indicated by a mindset, a belief system. People in these kinds of relationships are as committed to helping their partner live their best life as much as they are to their own. They are people who proactively consider their partner’s needs, when possible. (This does not mean they constantly put their partner’s emotional and physical needs above their own. This is an indicator of codependency which is dysfunctional.)
Typically, it is the small gestures that demonstrate we are in a “marriage first mindset”. A few examples:
– You and your partner are going on a walk, it is cold out, and you get your partner’s coat at the same time you are getting yours, without being asked.
– You know exactly how your partner likes their coffee, tea, water and you often proactively get it for them when you are getting your own.
– You remember important dates or events in your partner’s life, and you honor these days with something as simple as a text message saying you are thinking about them.
– You join in activities or events that don’t mean much to you, but you participate willingly (without complaint) because you know they are important to your partner.
Of course, ideally both people in the relationship do these things mutually for each other.
Clients often ask me what books they should read on how to have a successful relationship. I do know of some very good books, however, I tell them everything they need to know could be written on a post-it: Have your partner’s back, make helping them feel seen, heard and understood a priority, and practice grace and forgiveness. That’s it. Be well, my friends.