This is written from the perspective of those who want authentic love and have tried tirelessly to obtain it. For people who have been the recipient of genuine love – from a parent, a friend, a partner – they might find it hard to relate to this writing. If you have felt loved by another, that unconditional love where you feel loved for exactly who you are, down to your core, it can be hard to imagine what it would be like to never know this type of joy, peace and security. I mean real unconditional love. Not love conditioned on getting better grades, being good at sports, being prettier, being thinner, making more money, etc.
This is a tough world to feel unloved. We are saturated with music, movies and media that provide non-stop love stories and poetic waxing of how good love feels. Days like Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, can feel like a form of torture designed just for you. You tell yourself these are just “another day”. Even so, they stand as reminders that love hasn’t chosen you. These days are particularly painful if you have parents who chose not to love you unconditionally, especially when you were a child. Parents who were absent, emotionally immature, narcissistic, chronically critical, and selfish. I repeat, if you had parents who showed up for you with unconditional love, even when they were setting appropriate boundaries, then you probably cannot even imagine what it would be like to never know this kind of love.
When you are single, the platitudes and criticism from others, especially from those in healthy relationships, can make things feel worse. Toxic positivity wrapped up in “advice” and “tough love”. There is so much blame levied against those who are unsuccessful at securing love.
You are not trying hard enough to meet someone.
You are trying too hard.
You have kids/don’t have kids.
You are too smart/educated/successful/not successful enough.
You are not thin enough/in good enough shape.
Your energy is closed off/negative.
You didn’t manifest meeting someone.
And, one that I was actually told by someone: Your car isn’t nice enough.
The feelings of aloneness double down when friends in a relationship choose to only associate with other couples – like being alone is a disease they can catch from you. It takes a special person who can feel empathy and hold space for someone who longs to be in a committed romantic relationship or even have a good friend.
This is one of the biggest mysteries of life – Why some people get a cornucopia overflowing with love during every stage of their lives while others are desperate to know real love from someone, from anyone. I don’t know why some are chosen and found by love and why others are not. It doesn’t make sense. This is one of the great mysteries of randomness. The people who get to know authentic love and be chosen by someone are no better than anyone else (although they often righteously believe it is because they are better). “Why not me?”, is a fair question. If no one chooses me, what is my value? Who is my sun and rain? Was it a wasted life if I longed to be loved and it never came? What does that say about my place on earth?
Although I don’t have the answer when clients ask me why no one has chosen them (at least not an answer they will find comforting), I can say this. It is NOT because of any of the reasons I listed above. And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Remember – there are many people out there who have to make you feel worse in order for them to feel better. My hope for you is that you have even just a little bit of strength left to let those people go and never give them another thought. All you can do is breathe, remain hopefully (when you can), let yourself feel the grief, sadness, and despair the comes with being rejected or not chosen (or both). You are entitled to your anger and tears. If there is something you do that makes you feel even a little bit better, then do it. And if you need someone who can sit with you in your pain and make space for all of your grief, give me a call.
Be well, my friends.