“The only way out is through.” Therapists frequently use this sentiment with clients. When I am the client with my own therapist, when I hear this, my logical brain knows she is right. My emotional brain wants to throw the box of tissues at her. (Fortunately, we meet via telehealth so there is no risk of this happening.) There is no greater issue where this advice applies than the hurt of heartbreak.
Heartbreak brings the kind of hurt that invades every part of the body. We feel emotionally shattered while also feeling physical pain. Our body can literally hurt all over. “Broken Heart Syndrome”, an intense and sometimes side effect of a gut-wrenching break up is scientifically proven. The heart temporarily physically changes leading to chest pain and shortness of breath. Most of the time, this is temporary and resolves over time.
Most of the time, it is the crushing emotional pain that takes us down. During this phase, nothing makes us smile, it is hard to feel motivated to do things, burying under bed covers becomes a ritual, and tears come without warning. Days simultaneously drag on and fly by. The future is so clouded with hopelessness that it seems our current state will be permanent. We try to lean into the feelings so they will pass but then your brain betrays you.
Your brain has one job and that is to protect you from pain. Your brain will want to protect you from the emotional pain of heartbreak by deploying coping strategies designed to numb and avoid the hurt. These are fine, for a little while. The longer they go on, however, the unhealthier these strategies will become and processing the emotional devastation will be delayed. On the surface you might feel better. Deep down it’s another story. The hurt of heartbreak is still there – waiting to return with vengeance.
So, that’s it? We just have to sit and be miserable? Not exactly. Although there is no healthy way to avoid the pain, there are ways to help you lean into the pain in a deeper way to hopefully get through the process a little faster.
- Music is very helpful in helping us open up and process painful feelings. Find what works for you. Research suggests that when we are experiencing emotional distress, it is best to listen to music which matches your mood. Listening to “happy music” during heartbreak will be a temporary fix but won’t necessarily help you process the painful feelings. My “heartbreak process” includes vacillating between a “break up” playlist and Linkin Park (think “the 1” by Taylor Swift and “Iridescent” by Linkin Park).
- Find your people. Not the ones who want to help by just giving pointless platitudes (“They weren’t right for you anyway.” “You’ll find someone else.” “You don’t need anyone to be happy.”). Your logic brain knows all of that. You need people who will let you cry, be irrational, and say whatever you need to say.
- Give yourself grace. This is not the time for self-deprecation and self-blame. Be kind to yourself. Another thing therapists like to say is, “Name it to tame it.” Name your feelings and experience them without judgment.
- Find acceptance with the need for time. No one can predict how long or short the hurt and emotional processing phase will last. There is no set formula for how long it takes to heal from heartbreak. Be patient with yourself. You will get there.
Be well, my friends.