After 18 years of waiting for the universe to assist me with meeting men to date organically, I recently decided to be more proactive with entering the dating world. It didn’t take long to start seeing that there is something very wrong with modern dating. Much of the feedback I was hearing from clients about their dating woes turned out to be valid in my own experience. Finding people to date who are right for you has always been a challenge. Earlier this year I shared a post on the Facebook page for my therapy practice that was a copy of a letter to an advice columnist in a British newspaper from the 1700s from a woman lamenting about how she cannot find a suitable person to marry. Not much has changed. Finding the person who is right for you, at the right time in your life, who is also looking for a genuine relationship is still a challenge. For some, it feels impossible.
I will be discussing three topics which seem to be consistent experiences among people trying to find someone for a relationship. Yes, I know some people do actually meet someone for a lifelong relationship without much angst or issue. Yes, I know you know someone who knows someone that found their lifelong partner on a dating app. The reality is, these stories are rarer than you think. They don’t have to be.
Have Reasonable and Useful Dating Criteria
When dating, people often value the wrong things when looking for a partner. A recent research study suggests that when women are looking for a man on a dating app, they often prioritize the person’s height, level of attractiveness and what the person does for work to eliminate people to meet. Neither of these criteria have a positive impact on whether the relationship will go the distance. Long lasting and meaningful relationships depend more on shared core values, each person’s ability to be open to each other’s differences, some shared interests (NOT someone just like you), and whether you both value trust, honesty and healthy communication. Most of this you will never know just by looking at a profile. Trust your gut reaction. Be open to meeting someone who doesn’t completely match your surface criteria. It’s just one date. Give it a try.
Be Gracious and Understanding
The modern dating experience would become so much more palatable if people could incorporate grace and compassion into the process. All humans have numerous implicit biases running in the background of their brain. These biases were developed through evolution to help humans process information and make decisions quickly. Unfortunately, these biases are a hinderance in dating. People will make snap judgments about a person from a profile, from one odd thing they said, or from one first date that didn’t go perfectly. Most people are nervous on a first date and even less are good at marketing themselves accurately in a profile. Thus, most people make mistakes on the first date or don’t represent themselves well. Past a certain age, anyone who is dating has past relationships or history that also makes knowing how to date a bit more complicated for them. And yet, there is so much judgment in the dating process.
I am not saying to give everyone second and third chances. But be a bit forgiving. Be gracious. Use empathy to consider how the other person might have been feeling about trying to make a good first impression. Again, trust your gut reaction. If you don’t think it is a good match, then politely and maturely let them know there will not be a second date. And DO NOT ghost people. It is rude, inconsiderate, immature and can be cruel to do to people who struggle with self-confidence (which are most people). If you don’t know how to politely turn someone down, try something like this: “It was nice meeting you and I don’t think this will be a love match. I wish you peace and good times in the future.” And who knows, you might make a new friend. The first person with whom I had a date after 18 years of not dating wasn’t a love match, but we have become great friends.
Get Treatment for Unmanaged Fear and Anxiety
Unmanaged fear and anxiety prevent many people from having the dating experience and relationship they want and deserve. So many people are on dating apps say they want to meet new people and/or be in a relationship. When presented with the opportunities, however, they will engage in behavior that is rooted in fear or anxiety. They will find a tiny flaw in someone and use this as an excuse to reject them. What they are really doing is letting the fear of rejection or getting hurt tell themself to reject everyone proactively as a protective measure. Then there are all the people still stuck in the pandemic in terms of out-of-control anxiety, believing that interacting with other humans in-person and in a meaningful and intimate way will kill them. Your community is still generally a safe place. It is the unmanaged fear and anxiety that keeps you from believing this.
The reality is this – life is unpredictable and this ever true for the dating world. As much as we try to control the process and outcome, we cannot. The best you can do is keep an open mind, face your fears and see what happens. Keep your expectations reasonable. Maybe your will make a new friend and maybe you might meet “the one”. No one knows, so you might as well stop trying to control the outcome.
I try to live my life with the goal of preventing regret. Imagine getting to the end of your life without ever having the type of relationship you want because of unrealistic dating criteria, judgment, anxiety, and fear. Get therapeutic treatment, if you need it, have an open mind, trust your gut, and see what happens. Even though life is unpredictable, it can also be very surprising.
Be well, my friends.