No matter the type of relationship – romantic, professional, friend, family – we all need to stop needing to be “right”. Immediately. First, needing to be “right” or proving someone else “wrong” makes your relationship “adversarial”. If you are a party to a lawsuit in a court of law, adversarial is the way to go. In most other arenas, “adversarial” is unhelpful, condescending and righteous (not to mention completely lacking in empathy). If the relationship you are in (regardless of type) is important to you, letting go of needing to be “right” will help you create a relationship of allies.
Second, your brain and your memory are unreliable and are betraying you all day long. Our recollection of a conversation or an incident is often inaccurate. There are many influences that get in the way of you have an accurate memory about things:
- Smart phones (and other devices) have ruined our ability to truly focus on one thing at a time. Thus, your memory about an incident or conversation will likely be jeopardized by chronic divided attention.
- Cognitive decline gradually starts around 30 years old. Cognitive decline affects memory. Each passing decade intensifies the cognitive challenges. You’re welcome.
- Being Busy – Most everyone I know is extremely busy. Too many details to remember or keep track of adversely impacts memory.
- Internal Biases – Your brain has numerous internal biases running in the background to help you process an over-abundance of information quickly and efficiently. Many times, these biases cause you to get it wrong with the way you remember things.
- Unhealthy and lazy listening skills cause us to miss key details in conversations.
- Two or more people can observe the same thing and have more than one interpretation or perception of an event. There can be more than one “truth”.
- Human nature wires us to be self-serving so we will often remember things in a way to serve what we need from a situation.
- When the amygdala (the brain’s emotional center) becomes intensely activated, most of the neuro-energy is diverted to managing the amygdala. This can happen during an argument, when a person feels attacked, or perceives a threat. This means other parts of the brain, including the hippocampus (the memory center), don’t work as well. During a conflict or argument, a person is unlikely to remember the details of the conflict accurately.
Building and maintaining healthy relationships is critical to a well-rounded and happy life. Letting go of needing to prove someone wrong, is one way to achieve this. In addition, staying curious about someone else’s viewpoint, ideas, and interpretation is a great way to learn new things and live a life rooted in empathy and compassion.
Be well, my friends.
(Written by a real person, that’s me.)